Wednesday 1 October 2014

1 year later...

So I'm home sick from work with a stomach bug, reflecting on this last weekend away with the youth group from church. Long story short I found myself reading through my old posts from my original and very first blog (gdlong.wordpress.com). Lately I keep battling with this feeling that I've lost something in my spiritual walk- something of my passion, faith, & worldview. However, I was comforted to find in reading my old posts - things weren't as perfect as I think I remember. Following Jesus was always a struggle, it is and always will be. Jesus said the gate is small, the path narrow, and only few find it (Matt 7:14). The rewards are for those who overcome (Rev 2-3) - so that must mean not everyone does. But the truth is you can never be stagnant. Either you're moving forward or moving backwards. Anyway.... that's another blog for another day.

What I really wanted to say here today is that I am grateful I kept a blog. I can always think back & remember my experiences, but I won't be able to remember my thoughts - uuunless I record them. So today I am happy I did....which made me realise I have missed a whole year of recorded thoughts I can never get back. I also realised that while my previous blog was all about reflections and theological thinking.... there weren't very many life events.... like my whole relationship with Simon was never mentioned (minus the only reference - we're getting married in 4 days)! Probably THE biggest thing going on in my life at that moment in time. In contrast, this blog is very much all events and next to no reflections. SO here is my attempt to turn things around and get back to both recording, but also reflecting on life.

I last left you with a post about us getting our first apartment together and Simon starting a job that would have him in London. Well a whole year has gone by aaaaand he's still in London. That is CRAZY to think. At first I found it very hard. I didn't like coming back to the apartment, I didn't like cooking for one, I didn't like being alone. Can you blame me? Up until that point in time I had never EVER been on my own. From growing up in a house with three girls, to going to college and having a roommate every single year, all school breaks spent with family or camp or Simon, when we finally got married to give us time to figure out where to go/what to do we moved in with Si's parents which ended up being a two year affair (where Simon's sister and her whole family lived with us for 2 months straight) - so for the first time in my entire life.... I was alone.

So I made a plan - it helped being in full time employment (cause most of your day is eaten up by work). That just left four evenings to fill (Mon - Thurs) and fill them I did! I started teaching online and set weekly dinner dates. It was a God thing - I know. I ended up meeting this other woman who works at Lancaster Uni too. She had just moved into town on her own, going through a divorce. We both met when we needed it the most. We ended up hanging out each week, cooking together, watching shows, sharing life. It felt like I was in college again, the nickname grew - my weekday friend.

So the weekends were reserved for my handsome hubby. For the most part we made it work - we were both happy and made the most of our time together. However, nearly all church events are on weekends and friends & family want to see him too (can't keep him all to myself unfortunately). So it means we've had to sacrifice either time together or relationships with others. But honestly.... it became the norm. It wasn't weird or hard for us, just life! You adapt and before you know it you are content.

The news is we are now buying a house. Hopefully, if all goes well, we'll get to move in by the end of October. There is a new project that has started in Manchester and Simon should be put on it in November. Which means it's close enough so that he can commute from home! So we are very excited about this change - which will finally allow us to have a conventional marraige :)

Lately I've been thinking a lot about our future. I've not done that in a while. I don't know if that's because of the house & feelings of finality it brings. In truth up until now we have been in transition- year 1 of marriage I was studying & commuting to Durham, year 2 Simon was studying, year 3 we finally were able to stand our own two feet, move out and get grown up jobs. I was on fixed term contracts so I was focused on that indefinite contract which came in April, Simon only just got his beginning of September. So we begin year 4 having achieved what we set out to do 3 years ago - security, stability, a place to bring up a family. But why I am now unsure of what I want? I keep thinking about my dreams as a teenager, as a college student, I never cared about stability or security - I just wanted to do God's will and make a difference in this life. Not that I can't do that in my present context. I don't know - but what I do know is that I'm thinking about it again. And I'm drawing back in, extending my ear... and hoping that God will whisper.

Bring it on year 4!